I will admit there are days I envy the working mom. To get away from the house, to dress up with a purpose and task to accomplish, yes this sounds so amazing to my personality.
However, being a stay at home mom can be just as rewarding, but to see the good, the purpose and the joy we have to have the right perspective. I have decided this is the most difficult issue for me as a stay at home mom; keeping right perspective.
This morning I woke up gave myself time to read and journal, which I LOVE to do, dressed in workout clothes and faced the morning with a plan. Breakfast was ready, table set, two year old diaper changed and I was working on lunches. The end goal for me this morning was to get the to do list of the morning done and fit in a run before I had to get ready to leave the house. I was packing second daughters sandwich and realized the clock was running out. I had only 15 min left before husband would be leaving with girls and I would not have time to go for that coveted run all by myself.
These are the moments I wish I could say freeze and time would stop! A superpower, I really believe would be so helpful as a mom. But sadly, it does not work like that and the clock keeps ticking. I slipped off my running shoes and hugged girls goodbye. The plan had been interupted, no run for me today. Husband and daughters leave and I sit curled up with my son feeling quite disappointed. Apparently I wear my emotions on my sleeve because as I looked down at my sons sweet face he says, "mommy you sad?" Now I truly was having a sad day. No run for me and no happy fun mommy for my son to see and play with. I realize I am harder on myself than anyone else, but I simply do not enjoy falling apart in front of my kids. I just know one day they will need therapy because of me :)
I let myself sulk on the couch for about five more minutes. Justifying thoughts about why this day is falling apart swirl in my head. I stare into space a moment feeling down and quickly realize I am staring right at my running shoes sitting next to my son on the floor. Up to this point my perspective was that I have failed my plan, I have lost the morning battle, this is it for my day.
As I am staring at my son playing with my shoes I realize his perspective, 'okay mommy won't play with me right now, I will play with something else, mommy's shoes!' He is a smart smart boy so maybe he was smart enough this morning to play with my shoes as a way to taunt me to get off the couch. He looked so cute, I could hardly stay sad watching him try to put on his mommy's shoes. Regardless of his motives, I knew I needed to follow in his footsteps. I stood up determined to change my perspective.
The truth of the day is I had time to read and journal which is a huge priority for me. I made a wonderful breakfast for my beautiful kiddos, I packed healthy lunches for them to eat and sent them off with cute hair and kisses. I did not get time to run by myself, but had plenty of time to fit in a workout with my son playing along in our living room! I quickly put on my shoes, turned on our 30 min. workout video and encouraged my two year old to jump along with me! For the next half hour I worked out while playing with my son!
Nope my morning did not go as planned and I did not get in my run, but I learned a valuable lesson taught by my toddler; when your first plan falls apart change your perspective and put on mommy's shoes :) ....in adult language it translates to; be grateful, go with the flow and make the most of your time. Don't give up and let lies and discouragment win.
Take hold of right perspective and enjoy your day!
Monday, September 22, 2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You......
It is all over. Our girls have ended yet another year of their elementary education. Our oldest finished up a very long and difficult year of fourth grade. Even as I write those words they don't seem real; fourth grade is a big girl grade. Our first little baby is now officially a big girl, who will soon be a fifth grader; that is a truth I am not ready to even allow to set in.
Fourth grade brought out some challenging times academically for our sweet girl. Tests with low scores, studying thru tears, conferences with teachers explaining some of her struggles. My heart weighed heavier with each conversation. Her need for help was obvious, and yet not knowing entirely how to help her magnified the frustration of her need for help in the first place. How would she deal with these difficultiies? How would she handle fifth grade? ....The questions of the unknown overwhelmed me.
I just wanted to help. I wanted to be able to give her all the answers to inject confidence and strength for her to be able to keep going and to do well. Over the year, the battle with homework caused more heartache for us both. I was so frustrated that I could not help her to see what I saw and she was overly apologetic and embarrassed about what she simply could not see.
I worried about who she would become and how she would overcome some of her struggles. For the last few years many people have given me great advice and really helpful resources, but ironically it was not until the last day of school that I truly felt hope and realized she was going to be alright. The morning of her last day of fourth grade our sweet daughter sat at her desk making her teacher a thank you card for the year. When I walked up behind her and asked to see it, I could not have been prepared for such a beautiful moment. As I held the card in my hand I read my daughters slanted handwriting written in blue crayon I read the words Thank You, Thank You, Thank you, written four times stacked on top of each other, taking up the entire front of the card. I opened the card and saw multicolored crayon colors that wrote out the words ....'for helping me with math and for helping me with reading" below it. The right hand side of the card said "....and most of all for being so patient and kind with me." I was at a loss for words. All my worries, fears and doubts came to the surface, I welled up with pride and hope and joy.
Our sweet nine year old may need help to really learn and know her math facts, but she understands on a much deeper level what it means to feel loved and cared for by her teacher. Her maturity allows her to recognize a genuine heart of care and concern in the form of patience that her teacher showed her. What a tender heart, what a gentle spirit. Oh that my heart would be so quick to identify these qualities in others and make them a priority in myself. She is only nine, and yet so inspiring to me. I have always hoped and dreamed that my children would grow up with grateful hearts that desired to love people. Math may take awhile to understand, but I am no longer worried, because I know now what math cannot show me; our oldest daughter gets it! Her heart is true and good and filled with compassion and gratitude at just nine years old. She will be just fine, Thank you God.
Fourth grade brought out some challenging times academically for our sweet girl. Tests with low scores, studying thru tears, conferences with teachers explaining some of her struggles. My heart weighed heavier with each conversation. Her need for help was obvious, and yet not knowing entirely how to help her magnified the frustration of her need for help in the first place. How would she deal with these difficultiies? How would she handle fifth grade? ....The questions of the unknown overwhelmed me.
I just wanted to help. I wanted to be able to give her all the answers to inject confidence and strength for her to be able to keep going and to do well. Over the year, the battle with homework caused more heartache for us both. I was so frustrated that I could not help her to see what I saw and she was overly apologetic and embarrassed about what she simply could not see.
I worried about who she would become and how she would overcome some of her struggles. For the last few years many people have given me great advice and really helpful resources, but ironically it was not until the last day of school that I truly felt hope and realized she was going to be alright. The morning of her last day of fourth grade our sweet daughter sat at her desk making her teacher a thank you card for the year. When I walked up behind her and asked to see it, I could not have been prepared for such a beautiful moment. As I held the card in my hand I read my daughters slanted handwriting written in blue crayon I read the words Thank You, Thank You, Thank you, written four times stacked on top of each other, taking up the entire front of the card. I opened the card and saw multicolored crayon colors that wrote out the words ....'for helping me with math and for helping me with reading" below it. The right hand side of the card said "....and most of all for being so patient and kind with me." I was at a loss for words. All my worries, fears and doubts came to the surface, I welled up with pride and hope and joy.
Our sweet nine year old may need help to really learn and know her math facts, but she understands on a much deeper level what it means to feel loved and cared for by her teacher. Her maturity allows her to recognize a genuine heart of care and concern in the form of patience that her teacher showed her. What a tender heart, what a gentle spirit. Oh that my heart would be so quick to identify these qualities in others and make them a priority in myself. She is only nine, and yet so inspiring to me. I have always hoped and dreamed that my children would grow up with grateful hearts that desired to love people. Math may take awhile to understand, but I am no longer worried, because I know now what math cannot show me; our oldest daughter gets it! Her heart is true and good and filled with compassion and gratitude at just nine years old. She will be just fine, Thank you God.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
These are a few of my favorite things
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens........
Many people will recognize these lines as a few of Julie Andrews characters favorite things. I am not sure if its her voice or the picture of her smiling from ear to ear while spinning in the field of green with the majestic mountains behind her, but the song, the image, the whole scence just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.
Which makes me wonder; how often do those same warm fuzzy feelings well up inside me in regards to my own life?, the reality of my story? It seems that some where long ago I began to convince myself that there was no need to spend money on "extra things." To be responsible was to spend money only on what one needs. And I was nothing if not responsible. I remember enjoying doing things, and having things, but somewhere over time I slowly told myself that necessity was what was important. Stuff had no value, no need to waste time or money on "things." And though it was not my intention I began stealing much of the simple delights from my life.
There was truth buried in my logic; we are not created to treasurer "things", nor should we prioritize stuff above people. At the base of my thinking the logic was sound, but piled on top of that logic was lie after lie devaluing who I was, robbing me of simple joys. Flowers, leather boots, special coffee, and painted nails were for other poeple, not for me. No need to wast my money on that stuff right? Denying myself of things became the norm.
Today I find myself mothering tweens!! I am responsible for shaping them. "Training them and teaching them in the way they should go," the Bible says. My beautiful eight year old girl looks up to me with eyes of wonder and asks, "can you paint my nails mom?"
'What!?' I think, painted nails......are they necessary?..... Painted nails are what fun and cute girls around me as a teenager did while I convinced myself it was not that big of deal......but apparently 17 years later it is.
It's a big deal because from my example my daughters will learn to make choices to either embrace or deny themselves simple joys. (I am not saying painting nails is a must to enjoy life) I am simply saying that convincing myself that I did not need or want fun things as a young lady now has the ability to shape my daughters thoughts about her life. Its a big deal because although I turn 35 this year, I still feel a smile start to rise up inside me when flowers are delivered to me. Truth is I like flowers; and that should not be so hard to admit.
The Bible says God delights in the desires of our hearts. He wants us to enjoy the life He created, which means to enjoy a few of our favorite things. So why should I go on pretending I don't have a list; denying myself of simple joys.
Bright colored flowers and carmel tasting coffees..
Deep blue painted nails and walks thru the market
These are a few of Melissa's favorite things...................
So I will teach my girls what it means to spin in the green soaking up every part of my majestic scenery. I will enjoy each sip of coffee and each glance of my kitchen table with the beautiful bouquet of tulips that sits in the center. I want my daughters to feel butterflies, and have sore cheeks from smiling from ear to ear. I want them to enjoy all of their favorite things.
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens........
Many people will recognize these lines as a few of Julie Andrews characters favorite things. I am not sure if its her voice or the picture of her smiling from ear to ear while spinning in the field of green with the majestic mountains behind her, but the song, the image, the whole scence just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.
Which makes me wonder; how often do those same warm fuzzy feelings well up inside me in regards to my own life?, the reality of my story? It seems that some where long ago I began to convince myself that there was no need to spend money on "extra things." To be responsible was to spend money only on what one needs. And I was nothing if not responsible. I remember enjoying doing things, and having things, but somewhere over time I slowly told myself that necessity was what was important. Stuff had no value, no need to waste time or money on "things." And though it was not my intention I began stealing much of the simple delights from my life.
There was truth buried in my logic; we are not created to treasurer "things", nor should we prioritize stuff above people. At the base of my thinking the logic was sound, but piled on top of that logic was lie after lie devaluing who I was, robbing me of simple joys. Flowers, leather boots, special coffee, and painted nails were for other poeple, not for me. No need to wast my money on that stuff right? Denying myself of things became the norm.
Today I find myself mothering tweens!! I am responsible for shaping them. "Training them and teaching them in the way they should go," the Bible says. My beautiful eight year old girl looks up to me with eyes of wonder and asks, "can you paint my nails mom?"
'What!?' I think, painted nails......are they necessary?..... Painted nails are what fun and cute girls around me as a teenager did while I convinced myself it was not that big of deal......but apparently 17 years later it is.
It's a big deal because from my example my daughters will learn to make choices to either embrace or deny themselves simple joys. (I am not saying painting nails is a must to enjoy life) I am simply saying that convincing myself that I did not need or want fun things as a young lady now has the ability to shape my daughters thoughts about her life. Its a big deal because although I turn 35 this year, I still feel a smile start to rise up inside me when flowers are delivered to me. Truth is I like flowers; and that should not be so hard to admit.
The Bible says God delights in the desires of our hearts. He wants us to enjoy the life He created, which means to enjoy a few of our favorite things. So why should I go on pretending I don't have a list; denying myself of simple joys.
Bright colored flowers and carmel tasting coffees..
Deep blue painted nails and walks thru the market
These are a few of Melissa's favorite things...................
So I will teach my girls what it means to spin in the green soaking up every part of my majestic scenery. I will enjoy each sip of coffee and each glance of my kitchen table with the beautiful bouquet of tulips that sits in the center. I want my daughters to feel butterflies, and have sore cheeks from smiling from ear to ear. I want them to enjoy all of their favorite things.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Intentional picture
Recently I was asked what my word for 2014 will be? Words are a big deal to me, so it took some time to narrow it all down to one word......hmmmm.
I long to do so many things. I remember being 20 sitting in my dorm room at college day dreaming about who I would be in my thirty's, what I would be doing. There was a very clear and detailed picture in my head. The picture was a collage of images that I hoped for, a future bursting with life, a life filled with people I loved and there I was in the middle of it all enjoying every opportunity to serve, laugh, grow and truly live. I had such promise, my entire life ahead of me, the vision was all mine and it was beautiful.
Fifteen years later I am standing in that vision. I have grown up, however so much more growing to do. Only 30 days into the new year, and it is proving to be a very motivating and reflective year as I will be turning 35! So I ask myself does this picture, this life, look anything like the one I created in my mind over a decade ago? .....
Nope, it sure doesn't because in many ways I was not capable of dreaming big enough. I could not have prepared myself for all the places God would take me, or the amazing people who He would bring into my life. At 20 years old, I did not realize how strong I could be or how big my faith could grow to be. Never in a million years could I have imagined the amount of pain along with the abundance of joy that I would experience with such gratitude. Who knew the risks I could take or the adventure that I would get to be a part of, I certainly did not.
No, the picture in my mind at age 20 looked very different than the scene I am living in now. Missy looks a little different than I pictured her, but I am really okay with that because it has taught me to think bigger, hope for more, expect the amazing and to love who I have become. The picture looks different, but I am still in it, and it is still beautiful.
Now, at 35 I am looking ahead again to what the years will bring. I am painting a new picture in my mind. However this time I am taking hold of what I have learned and choosing to be very intentional with my days, that I may continue to be the girl that God has designed, the girl I have grown to like so much. I want to be used, filled with joy and pursue every dream I have inside of me.
So, my word for 2014 is intentional because I believe being intentional is the discipline of connecting the gap that lies between God's plans and my dreams.....and I am dreaming big!
I long to do so many things. I remember being 20 sitting in my dorm room at college day dreaming about who I would be in my thirty's, what I would be doing. There was a very clear and detailed picture in my head. The picture was a collage of images that I hoped for, a future bursting with life, a life filled with people I loved and there I was in the middle of it all enjoying every opportunity to serve, laugh, grow and truly live. I had such promise, my entire life ahead of me, the vision was all mine and it was beautiful.
Fifteen years later I am standing in that vision. I have grown up, however so much more growing to do. Only 30 days into the new year, and it is proving to be a very motivating and reflective year as I will be turning 35! So I ask myself does this picture, this life, look anything like the one I created in my mind over a decade ago? .....
Nope, it sure doesn't because in many ways I was not capable of dreaming big enough. I could not have prepared myself for all the places God would take me, or the amazing people who He would bring into my life. At 20 years old, I did not realize how strong I could be or how big my faith could grow to be. Never in a million years could I have imagined the amount of pain along with the abundance of joy that I would experience with such gratitude. Who knew the risks I could take or the adventure that I would get to be a part of, I certainly did not.
No, the picture in my mind at age 20 looked very different than the scene I am living in now. Missy looks a little different than I pictured her, but I am really okay with that because it has taught me to think bigger, hope for more, expect the amazing and to love who I have become. The picture looks different, but I am still in it, and it is still beautiful.
Now, at 35 I am looking ahead again to what the years will bring. I am painting a new picture in my mind. However this time I am taking hold of what I have learned and choosing to be very intentional with my days, that I may continue to be the girl that God has designed, the girl I have grown to like so much. I want to be used, filled with joy and pursue every dream I have inside of me.
So, my word for 2014 is intentional because I believe being intentional is the discipline of connecting the gap that lies between God's plans and my dreams.....and I am dreaming big!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Fear can shape us
For a year my middle daughter has been begging her daddy and I to sign her up for gymnastics. Watching her cartwheel at every opportunity and looking at the calluses on the palm of her hands, from climbing the monkey bars at school, makes it obvious how much she loves gymnastics so this year, 2014 we finally gave in!
Her first night proved to be a challange as she did not know anyone and said her hands were so sweaty it was difficult to do some of the tasks she was asked to do. I could tell by her quiet shy demeaner that she was not having the thrilling time she had imagined. Later that night she said, "mommy I am not sure I want to go back, it was hard and I don't know anyone which makes it harder." I assured her I understood and would talk with daddy about the following weeks class.
Her dad and I agreed that it was important for her to try again and not give up because of fear. We wanted to encourage her to follow thru with her commitments. When the night of the next class came her daddy had a long talk with her about the importance of commitment and follow thru while encouraging her that after she attended a few more classes she might grow to really enjoy the class. We know she loves gymnastics and is built with great strength and balance. The fear and hesitation comes into play when she has to be placed in new surroundings with unfamiliar people and then be asked to do things that challenge what she is comfortable doing.
It occurred to me watching my daughter fidget with her fingers with tense shoulders, that I could really relate to what she was experiencing. I have played the role of the fearful girl, or 20 or 30 year old, who was so nervous about being put in a new place knowing no one. How scared I have felt about moving to a new state, attending meetings at the school where I knew not one other parent. The week before she had started gymnastics, I had skipped my first mommy and me class with my son because I let fear hold me back to attending a new environment for him and I to meet people, and now here I was pushing my daughter to do better than I had done.
Tears ran down my little seven year old's face, she did not seem receptive to us pushing her. Daddy and I reminded her that it is because we love her so much that we have to push her to do this and then nudged her to get dressed because it was time to go, time to face that fear.
I sat and watched with reservation; how would she respond? Would we leave early? Soon her body seemed to relax and I saw her chatting with another girl in line. Then she was asked to go up to the front of the class to show the other girls how to hold a position. On the way back to her spot, she glanced my way with a short smile that said it all, she was actually starting to enjoy herself, the fear was diminishing. On the way home she said, "mommy I liked it better this time." I was beaming inside, but played it cool and replied a simple, "I'm glad."
That night before she went to bed she came out to the living room and wrapped her arms around her dad and said, "daddy I liked it and I'm sorry I thru a fit. Thank you for loving me enough to push me to go." her very surprised dad replied with a smile, "your welcome, I'm glad you liked it."
I was so moved by her big grown up words and understanding to what we were trying to teach her. I was proud to see her fight thru that painful fearful place and come out feeling joy. I was also very convicted about my own choices; things I had not done in the past and then there was the my mommy and me class that I had been avoiding. What example have my actions taught my daughter ? I thought. She is only a child and was able to face her fears, what is my excuse? I knew better but allowed my fears of the unknown to justify my actions to shy away from good things.
Well, not this time! The next week, inspired by my brave seven year old, I attended my first mommy and me class and was pleasantly surprised how well everything went and how much I enjoyed myself. My older girls are 7 and 9 and I figured I already knew the mommy and me stuff and didn't need to attend another class, but my son had a great time and showed me how important it is for him to socialize and for me to be reminded of what life with toddlers is like. The class was more important than I had realized.
As I drove home from that first class I realized that my understanding about the class along with the feelings of joy and gratitude I was experiencing would have all been missed if I had said no, and said yes to fear. Such a reminder we are all created so similar and whether 7 or 34, we have fears, we doubt and too often let discouragement win.
Fear can shape us just as much as our surroundings, teachers and loved ones. The choice is in who we follow, what we allow to lead and guide our steps. "Thank you God for loving me so much to push me and teach me and for using my own children to do the shaping."
Her first night proved to be a challange as she did not know anyone and said her hands were so sweaty it was difficult to do some of the tasks she was asked to do. I could tell by her quiet shy demeaner that she was not having the thrilling time she had imagined. Later that night she said, "mommy I am not sure I want to go back, it was hard and I don't know anyone which makes it harder." I assured her I understood and would talk with daddy about the following weeks class.
Her dad and I agreed that it was important for her to try again and not give up because of fear. We wanted to encourage her to follow thru with her commitments. When the night of the next class came her daddy had a long talk with her about the importance of commitment and follow thru while encouraging her that after she attended a few more classes she might grow to really enjoy the class. We know she loves gymnastics and is built with great strength and balance. The fear and hesitation comes into play when she has to be placed in new surroundings with unfamiliar people and then be asked to do things that challenge what she is comfortable doing.
It occurred to me watching my daughter fidget with her fingers with tense shoulders, that I could really relate to what she was experiencing. I have played the role of the fearful girl, or 20 or 30 year old, who was so nervous about being put in a new place knowing no one. How scared I have felt about moving to a new state, attending meetings at the school where I knew not one other parent. The week before she had started gymnastics, I had skipped my first mommy and me class with my son because I let fear hold me back to attending a new environment for him and I to meet people, and now here I was pushing my daughter to do better than I had done.
Tears ran down my little seven year old's face, she did not seem receptive to us pushing her. Daddy and I reminded her that it is because we love her so much that we have to push her to do this and then nudged her to get dressed because it was time to go, time to face that fear.
I sat and watched with reservation; how would she respond? Would we leave early? Soon her body seemed to relax and I saw her chatting with another girl in line. Then she was asked to go up to the front of the class to show the other girls how to hold a position. On the way back to her spot, she glanced my way with a short smile that said it all, she was actually starting to enjoy herself, the fear was diminishing. On the way home she said, "mommy I liked it better this time." I was beaming inside, but played it cool and replied a simple, "I'm glad."
That night before she went to bed she came out to the living room and wrapped her arms around her dad and said, "daddy I liked it and I'm sorry I thru a fit. Thank you for loving me enough to push me to go." her very surprised dad replied with a smile, "your welcome, I'm glad you liked it."
I was so moved by her big grown up words and understanding to what we were trying to teach her. I was proud to see her fight thru that painful fearful place and come out feeling joy. I was also very convicted about my own choices; things I had not done in the past and then there was the my mommy and me class that I had been avoiding. What example have my actions taught my daughter ? I thought. She is only a child and was able to face her fears, what is my excuse? I knew better but allowed my fears of the unknown to justify my actions to shy away from good things.
Well, not this time! The next week, inspired by my brave seven year old, I attended my first mommy and me class and was pleasantly surprised how well everything went and how much I enjoyed myself. My older girls are 7 and 9 and I figured I already knew the mommy and me stuff and didn't need to attend another class, but my son had a great time and showed me how important it is for him to socialize and for me to be reminded of what life with toddlers is like. The class was more important than I had realized.
As I drove home from that first class I realized that my understanding about the class along with the feelings of joy and gratitude I was experiencing would have all been missed if I had said no, and said yes to fear. Such a reminder we are all created so similar and whether 7 or 34, we have fears, we doubt and too often let discouragement win.
Fear can shape us just as much as our surroundings, teachers and loved ones. The choice is in who we follow, what we allow to lead and guide our steps. "Thank you God for loving me so much to push me and teach me and for using my own children to do the shaping."
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Putting myself out there
Dipping ones toes in the uncomfortable waters of meeting new people, attending a new class, school, group. Why is it that we have such a reluctant nervous tendency to resist putting ourselves out there?
Moving from Montana to California was a gigantic uprooting! New surroundings, more sunshine, less snow, delicious variety of places to eat, SO many things to do!...Not knowing anyone..... And leaving behind so many close to me, family and friends. I knew that I knew we were supposed to move, it was time to leave, our dream was still to come true! The Brumits had a whole new life waiting in California.
Terrifying, exciting, challenging, sad, and thrilling have all been words I have used to describe the transition. Three years later, the hardest part; putting myself out there! A fearful mindset of disappointing people, and the constant comparison of what I used to know and experience, keeps me trapped in a narrow tunnel of vision, feeling hope slowly deflate. I must hold on .....I must believe in more.....
Signing up to serve, and not getting a call back. Being told that I am not the one for that job, rejection can really put the brakes on a dream. But still, I MUST put myself out there! How else will anyone know I am here, existing in this life, eager to play a role.
I heard once that we should place ourselves around people that did what we wanted to do. Advice that makes perfect sense and yet seems quite awkward when it comes right down to it. But perhaps that is what I am to do, find an author or writer and just ask them to coffee? Thirty minutes to sit face to face and absorb, ask questions see what develops. The thought is so tempting and scary all at once. But the choice, the decision to put myself out there ....is all up to me.
Writing, running, reading, cooking, and most of all being a mom; all passions that are part of who I am. These are things that fill me up, bring me such joy and take great discipline. Lately I am challenged that if these things are truly a part of me, built into my soul by my creator, than why am I so reluctant to nurture them more. Usually I find the answer has something to do with putting myself out there!.....hmmmm interesting correlation to basically everything else in my life!
What I mean is if there was a cooking class that would make me better, why would I not sign up? Or a writing group that would encourage me in the right direction, wouldnt that be a help to me? The answer; fear.
What if I sound silly, or don't know as much as other people there? The excuses and doubts whirl thru our minds like a tornado and leave just as much debris in its path, in the form of low self-esteem and lies about ourselves. If we don't stop this destructive process, all we hope for and desire will be for nothing. An empty life.
Putting ourselves out there is scary and risky we just dont know the outcome. Being transparent and vulnerable demands us push thru and past our fears of the unknown or doubts about our confidence. It is a momentum we must create with right thinking and motivation to truly enjoy this life!
Stay at home mom with three kids in a two bedroom apartment, walking to school along palm tree lined streets. A husband working on films, some long hours, some weeks without work. Late night walks in 77 degree weather. Driving 30 minutes to play in the sand and watch the waves roll in. Months without meeting another friend, a year attending church before we really knew anyone.
Fresh pineapple, a pass to Disneyland, and the birth of our little boy! We first put ourselves out there and moved far away from home, and found such an adventurous life on the other side.
Life in California has been VERY different than I would have expected. Which reminds me of one other part of this puzzle, expectations. We cannot put ourselves out there with brave hearts and courageous faces all the while having expectations on the outcome. It simply won't work and really defeats the purpose of making one self available to what is in store for us.
Our lives are not to be scheduled, planned out by our own design, protecting us from any possible pain or rejection. Instead, our life is designed to bring us surprise, new adventures many moments that bring with them an anticipation for more. Our lives should be filled with many emotions and experiences most of which we may not expect, but all of which will create in us a stronger more confident and faithful person ready to truly live.
So I brace for a new season or new opportunity to put myself out there. I don't what it will look like or when the next opportunity will arise, it may just have to be my own initiation....I might sign up for a cooking class or just maybe ask someone to coffee? I want to experience every ounce of this life, never mind the fear, ignore the doubts, I want to live.
Moving from Montana to California was a gigantic uprooting! New surroundings, more sunshine, less snow, delicious variety of places to eat, SO many things to do!...Not knowing anyone..... And leaving behind so many close to me, family and friends. I knew that I knew we were supposed to move, it was time to leave, our dream was still to come true! The Brumits had a whole new life waiting in California.
Terrifying, exciting, challenging, sad, and thrilling have all been words I have used to describe the transition. Three years later, the hardest part; putting myself out there! A fearful mindset of disappointing people, and the constant comparison of what I used to know and experience, keeps me trapped in a narrow tunnel of vision, feeling hope slowly deflate. I must hold on .....I must believe in more.....
Signing up to serve, and not getting a call back. Being told that I am not the one for that job, rejection can really put the brakes on a dream. But still, I MUST put myself out there! How else will anyone know I am here, existing in this life, eager to play a role.
I heard once that we should place ourselves around people that did what we wanted to do. Advice that makes perfect sense and yet seems quite awkward when it comes right down to it. But perhaps that is what I am to do, find an author or writer and just ask them to coffee? Thirty minutes to sit face to face and absorb, ask questions see what develops. The thought is so tempting and scary all at once. But the choice, the decision to put myself out there ....is all up to me.
Writing, running, reading, cooking, and most of all being a mom; all passions that are part of who I am. These are things that fill me up, bring me such joy and take great discipline. Lately I am challenged that if these things are truly a part of me, built into my soul by my creator, than why am I so reluctant to nurture them more. Usually I find the answer has something to do with putting myself out there!.....hmmmm interesting correlation to basically everything else in my life!
What I mean is if there was a cooking class that would make me better, why would I not sign up? Or a writing group that would encourage me in the right direction, wouldnt that be a help to me? The answer; fear.
What if I sound silly, or don't know as much as other people there? The excuses and doubts whirl thru our minds like a tornado and leave just as much debris in its path, in the form of low self-esteem and lies about ourselves. If we don't stop this destructive process, all we hope for and desire will be for nothing. An empty life.
Putting ourselves out there is scary and risky we just dont know the outcome. Being transparent and vulnerable demands us push thru and past our fears of the unknown or doubts about our confidence. It is a momentum we must create with right thinking and motivation to truly enjoy this life!
Stay at home mom with three kids in a two bedroom apartment, walking to school along palm tree lined streets. A husband working on films, some long hours, some weeks without work. Late night walks in 77 degree weather. Driving 30 minutes to play in the sand and watch the waves roll in. Months without meeting another friend, a year attending church before we really knew anyone.
Fresh pineapple, a pass to Disneyland, and the birth of our little boy! We first put ourselves out there and moved far away from home, and found such an adventurous life on the other side.
Life in California has been VERY different than I would have expected. Which reminds me of one other part of this puzzle, expectations. We cannot put ourselves out there with brave hearts and courageous faces all the while having expectations on the outcome. It simply won't work and really defeats the purpose of making one self available to what is in store for us.
Our lives are not to be scheduled, planned out by our own design, protecting us from any possible pain or rejection. Instead, our life is designed to bring us surprise, new adventures many moments that bring with them an anticipation for more. Our lives should be filled with many emotions and experiences most of which we may not expect, but all of which will create in us a stronger more confident and faithful person ready to truly live.
So I brace for a new season or new opportunity to put myself out there. I don't what it will look like or when the next opportunity will arise, it may just have to be my own initiation....I might sign up for a cooking class or just maybe ask someone to coffee? I want to experience every ounce of this life, never mind the fear, ignore the doubts, I want to live.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
First Steps
Nothing is cuter than the toddle of a small child holding his arms out shoulders raised in order to help keep balance to his small torso intently lifting each leg in front of the other to step across the room. Watching each one of our girls learn to take their first steps is forever photographed in my mind as one of my favorite milestones.
Our son, recently turned one and began taking his first steps weeks before his first birthday. His face was all smiles. Frequent glances to mom and dad cued us to applaud as he was waiting to be praised for his courageous act. Desperate for our approval. It was obvious he was nervous but also overwhelmed with delight. I savored each step taking in each moment and for the first time realized the most amazing picture of what trusting God with each of my steps really looked like.
Just like our sweet little boy eager to be praised with each unsteady step, I too feel so drawn to move forward taking a step in the right direction and know with certainty that I am really doing it; moving independently on my own but with each step being carefully watched and directed by my Father. Desperately wanting each step to be pleasing to God.
Wondering what job is in store for my husband, hoping for the loneliness to pass and a place to plug into church for our family. Fearfully trying to believe that God is capable of taking care of my dad’s illness.
It takes my son several minutes just to walk to the end of the couch. I share the struggle of this task as it seems simply daunting at times to walk down the road of thoughts in my mind. A road made up of rough terrain and many obstacles.
I believe God! I Believe you will provide the money we need, but I don’t see how it can happen in time?.....I trip with doubt and fall to my face in fear.
Up again with praise for watching God work in my marriage. Weeks later, stumble to the ground with haunting thoughts about our past. We have overcome so much, walked a long journey to heal and get to where we are. Step.... step.... step.... all steps of conviction; God has a plan and a purpose, I can trust Him, I do believe!
Each step brings more strength, a balance to my soul. Each fall a frustrating reminder of my need of a father.
you won’t fall daughter just trust me, I have made you strong and capable to take each step. I will guide you and satisfy your every need. Just keep walking.
God nurtures our every step; taking us by the hand when we reach out in fear. Please God don’t let me fall, I want to trust, I want to choose not to worry.
Gently guiding us with his arms in the direction we should go; it seems crazy to others but being without work will be the best for our family, we must choose our family!
God applauds each step of strength that stands confident of the truth - for this brings Him such delight and glory!
A child’s first steps..... an entertaining process to watch and a teachable lesson in how victorious each step really is.
Monday, September 17, 2012
199 goose bumps
My middle daughter is a beautiful red head with a very fun personality. She lights up our world with funny impressions, quick witted dramatic sayings and a contagious laugh. In addition to all her hilarious fun qualities, she is also a loving and tender hearted little girl.
Walking to school one morning she was talking her usual mile a minute about everything that has been racing through her sweet little head that morning. Her conversation began with a dream she had about dolphins, then moves to what her friend Tia did at school the day before, (a story so funny she can hardly keep herself composed to explain the story in its entirety) and without even taking a breathe ends with "and mom I wish I would have worn pants, because if we go to computer lab today I am going to have 199 goose bumps!" Oh the drama, the cuteness, the descriptive sense of a child.
Tucking in my little princess the next night, she looks up at me with a contemplative face, dimples still making an appearance and asks, "mom I know you love me, but what does love mean?" In my exhausted state with a fussy baby trying to get my attention in the background, and an eight year old trying to talk over her sister about what she should wear tomorrow, I found myself staring deep into my girls blue eyes. I could see her sincerity in the question. I could sense her heart longing to grasp how deep and how wide the meaning of love really was. Moments a mother knows she is in over her head and has to think quick.
"Love is hard to explain or truly understand at times even for a mommy and a daddy, I begin..... But I do know that to feel grateful for all that we have is to feel loved. To feel happy about people who show us love with hugs, gifts, words and nice things is to experience love. And to know with certainty that God is with us ALL the time loving us no matter what we do or how we act brings the comfort of love to my heart." I can tell my long winded explanation is losing its luster, she is beginning to take her eyes off mine and look elsewhere.
"Emma when I held you for the first time I knew how love made my heart feel. I knew you were my beautiful precious gift that made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. Love feels like having a 199 goose bumps" Her smile, now so big, her cheeks are burying her dimples, tells me she understands. She knows what that means, she knows how that feels. For a brief moment my baby knows what it means to "feel" love.
Please God may our love to our children translate to a feeling they can understand, words that they cherish for their lifetime. Experiences that reflect you. You are love.
Walking to school one morning she was talking her usual mile a minute about everything that has been racing through her sweet little head that morning. Her conversation began with a dream she had about dolphins, then moves to what her friend Tia did at school the day before, (a story so funny she can hardly keep herself composed to explain the story in its entirety) and without even taking a breathe ends with "and mom I wish I would have worn pants, because if we go to computer lab today I am going to have 199 goose bumps!" Oh the drama, the cuteness, the descriptive sense of a child.
Tucking in my little princess the next night, she looks up at me with a contemplative face, dimples still making an appearance and asks, "mom I know you love me, but what does love mean?" In my exhausted state with a fussy baby trying to get my attention in the background, and an eight year old trying to talk over her sister about what she should wear tomorrow, I found myself staring deep into my girls blue eyes. I could see her sincerity in the question. I could sense her heart longing to grasp how deep and how wide the meaning of love really was. Moments a mother knows she is in over her head and has to think quick.
"Love is hard to explain or truly understand at times even for a mommy and a daddy, I begin..... But I do know that to feel grateful for all that we have is to feel loved. To feel happy about people who show us love with hugs, gifts, words and nice things is to experience love. And to know with certainty that God is with us ALL the time loving us no matter what we do or how we act brings the comfort of love to my heart." I can tell my long winded explanation is losing its luster, she is beginning to take her eyes off mine and look elsewhere.
"Emma when I held you for the first time I knew how love made my heart feel. I knew you were my beautiful precious gift that made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. Love feels like having a 199 goose bumps" Her smile, now so big, her cheeks are burying her dimples, tells me she understands. She knows what that means, she knows how that feels. For a brief moment my baby knows what it means to "feel" love.
Please God may our love to our children translate to a feeling they can understand, words that they cherish for their lifetime. Experiences that reflect you. You are love.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Insanity
After weeks of watching my husband sweat thru his "insanity" work out, I decided to give it a try this morning. 40 minutes of pushing my body past limits and sweating more than I can remember. Insanity is a work out program designed to push people to their maximum potential. Shawn T, and they are not kidding around. The results, as they appear by looking at the testimonials on his video along with those working out with him, are quite impressive and certainly desirable from this end.
I jumped in, started up the video at 5:30 this morning, sluggish and a little scared, but jumped, lunged, stretched and sprinted when Shawn T told me to, and by the end I was spent!
Fast forward a few hours, two phone calls later, I am driving back from dropping both girls off at school, yawning from either my work out or the fact that my son woke me up at 4:45 and I never went back to sleep. My mind was tired, but also weary of the morning routine of getting the kids ready, planning out my day and meeting the needs of my chubby and oh so cute little 9mo old. My mind was also weighted, by the house we are trying to sell in MT. Its been a long process, and feels like a bleak process at times. We are desperate for it to sell, depending on family to fix it up and get it ready, as we are 1500 miles away! Days go by and I wait for that phone call of the family who wants to buy it! I hold out hope for this last tie to our past to be cut. Stomach starts to tighten, anxiety slowly creeping in.
Standing in my bathroom thinking thru the list of to do's for the day; emails to write, groceries to buy, shopping to be done ( that one is my own scheduled pleasure time:) Then the air slowly starts to deflate from my inflated thought/idea balloon. I'm too tired.
Laying on the couch now, anxiety has taken over more of my stomach. My thoughts are spending time creating the needed excuses to convince myself that today is better spent just being down, feeling a little sad and telling myself that it is okay to postpone my to do list until tomorrow. As I cross my legs, a small sore muscle pain shoots up my leg. Oh yes the rembering pain of insanity.
No coincidences here, God takes me back from that soreness in my leg to remembering Shawn T pushing me thru with his words and demanding instruction. I am reminded that I didn't quite........I wanted to and it was seriously SO hard, but I pushed and I kept going and now I am sore:) (For those of you who work out you know the joy the comes from feeling sore later in the day, it means you legitimately worked out! and it feels great!)
Then he whispers "with perseverence we must finish this race I have marked out for you." Today is a day planned for me, and not one to waste, regardless of the circumstances. I have responsiblities and following thru on those is a step and act of faith. Pushing thru the doubt and discouragment to remember what God has laid on my heart, I know things He has instructed me to do and cannot be okay with sitting by and allowing the lies of our enemy to steal the hope and trust I have in God.
Our house may not sell today, and I might have to handle a few more calls about the house, but I am a mom and a wife TODAY and must remember what matters her and now. Circumstances around me will constantly change but I must keep going and not be defeated by those circumstances I cannot control. I must push myself thru to not just my own limits, but to the limitless power that comes from God's strength inside me. So I will blog now:) and then get up, clean, do dishes, run errands, play with my son, pick up my girls, make dinner, go to soccer practice and go forth in this day with hope, confidence and gratitude for This is the Day the Lord has made.
I jumped in, started up the video at 5:30 this morning, sluggish and a little scared, but jumped, lunged, stretched and sprinted when Shawn T told me to, and by the end I was spent!
Fast forward a few hours, two phone calls later, I am driving back from dropping both girls off at school, yawning from either my work out or the fact that my son woke me up at 4:45 and I never went back to sleep. My mind was tired, but also weary of the morning routine of getting the kids ready, planning out my day and meeting the needs of my chubby and oh so cute little 9mo old. My mind was also weighted, by the house we are trying to sell in MT. Its been a long process, and feels like a bleak process at times. We are desperate for it to sell, depending on family to fix it up and get it ready, as we are 1500 miles away! Days go by and I wait for that phone call of the family who wants to buy it! I hold out hope for this last tie to our past to be cut. Stomach starts to tighten, anxiety slowly creeping in.
Standing in my bathroom thinking thru the list of to do's for the day; emails to write, groceries to buy, shopping to be done ( that one is my own scheduled pleasure time:) Then the air slowly starts to deflate from my inflated thought/idea balloon. I'm too tired.
Laying on the couch now, anxiety has taken over more of my stomach. My thoughts are spending time creating the needed excuses to convince myself that today is better spent just being down, feeling a little sad and telling myself that it is okay to postpone my to do list until tomorrow. As I cross my legs, a small sore muscle pain shoots up my leg. Oh yes the rembering pain of insanity.
No coincidences here, God takes me back from that soreness in my leg to remembering Shawn T pushing me thru with his words and demanding instruction. I am reminded that I didn't quite........I wanted to and it was seriously SO hard, but I pushed and I kept going and now I am sore:) (For those of you who work out you know the joy the comes from feeling sore later in the day, it means you legitimately worked out! and it feels great!)
Then he whispers "with perseverence we must finish this race I have marked out for you." Today is a day planned for me, and not one to waste, regardless of the circumstances. I have responsiblities and following thru on those is a step and act of faith. Pushing thru the doubt and discouragment to remember what God has laid on my heart, I know things He has instructed me to do and cannot be okay with sitting by and allowing the lies of our enemy to steal the hope and trust I have in God.
Our house may not sell today, and I might have to handle a few more calls about the house, but I am a mom and a wife TODAY and must remember what matters her and now. Circumstances around me will constantly change but I must keep going and not be defeated by those circumstances I cannot control. I must push myself thru to not just my own limits, but to the limitless power that comes from God's strength inside me. So I will blog now:) and then get up, clean, do dishes, run errands, play with my son, pick up my girls, make dinner, go to soccer practice and go forth in this day with hope, confidence and gratitude for This is the Day the Lord has made.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
"It takes 20 minutes after we eat for our bodies to feel satieated. I wonder how long it takes our souls to realize our life is full?" Ann Voskamp
How true, how moving, a powerful quote and conviction of my thoughts, wants and desires. I am reading this book, One Thousand Gifts. It really poses some wonderful thoughts and drives my curiosity about the abundant life even deeper.
What a full life most of us have and take for granted if we are not careful, watchful, intent on actually living and not allowing life to pass us by. The morning alarm, the walk to school, the morning rush. Chaos can be a theme for our home getting two girls ready for school, while tending to an aggressive crawling 9mo. old. The afternoon revisits the chaos theme again with school pick up, soccer practice, hip hop dance class and hopefully a meal that I don't feel guilty about, in between. The agenda, the commitments, the list of to do's makes life a temptation to get lost and not take moments of still to sit, be grateful, hold a little one's hand to remember a purpose beyond car pooling.
I am challenged and encouraged that there is more to life than just the agenda and I desire the "more" for myself and for my kids. I want to choose adventure, I want to look back, reflect and believe in the story that has been written just for me. A gripping story with climactic points, lessons learned, dramatic beginnings and sad endings......A story, as I am learning, that is still very much in the midst of being written. Only one knows how the story ends, and He is a God of adventure who LOVES it when we surrender to the adventure, when we take a moment to sit still, breathe and and realize how full our lives truly are.........
..........my story, God's story, our adventure with Him
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