Putting myself out there

Dipping ones toes in the uncomfortable waters of meeting new people, attending a new class, school, group. Why is it that we have such a reluctant nervous tendency to resist putting ourselves out there?

Moving from Montana to California was a gigantic uprooting! New surroundings, more sunshine, less snow, delicious variety of places to eat, SO many things to do!...Not knowing anyone..... And leaving behind so many close to me, family and friends. I knew that I knew we were supposed to move, it was time to leave, our dream was still to come true! The Brumits had a whole new life waiting in California.

Terrifying, exciting, challenging, sad, and thrilling have all been words I have used to describe the transition. Three years later, the hardest part; putting myself out there! A fearful mindset of disappointing people, and the constant comparison of what I used to know and experience, keeps me trapped in a narrow tunnel of vision, feeling hope slowly deflate. I must hold on .....I must believe in more.....

Signing up to serve, and not getting a call back. Being told that I am not the one for that job, rejection can really put the brakes on a dream. But still, I MUST put myself out there! How else will anyone know I am here, existing in this life, eager to play a role.

I heard once that we should place ourselves around people that did what we wanted to do. Advice that makes perfect sense and yet seems quite awkward when it comes right down to it. But perhaps that is what I am to do, find an author or writer and just ask them to coffee? Thirty minutes to sit face to face and absorb, ask questions see what develops. The thought is so tempting and scary all at once. But the choice, the decision to put myself out there ....is all up to me. 

Writing, running, reading, cooking, and most of all being a mom; all passions that are part of who I am. These are things that fill me up, bring me such joy and take great discipline. Lately I am challenged that if these things are truly a part of me, built into my soul by my creator, than why am I so reluctant to nurture them more. Usually I find the answer has something to do with putting myself out there!.....hmmmm interesting correlation to basically everything else in my life!

What I mean is if there was a cooking class that would make me better, why would I not sign up? Or a writing group that would encourage me in the right direction, wouldnt that be a help to me? The answer; fear.

What if I sound silly, or don't know as much as other people there? The excuses and doubts whirl thru our minds like a tornado and leave just as much debris in its path, in the form of low self-esteem and lies about ourselves. If we don't stop this destructive process, all we hope for and desire will be for nothing. An empty life.

Putting ourselves out there is scary and risky we just dont know the outcome. Being transparent and vulnerable demands us push thru and past our fears of the unknown or doubts about our confidence. It is a momentum we must create with right thinking and motivation to truly enjoy this life!

Stay at home mom with three kids in a two bedroom apartment, walking to school along palm tree lined streets. A husband working on films, some long hours, some weeks without work. Late night walks in 77 degree weather. Driving 30 minutes to play in the sand and watch the waves roll in. Months without meeting another friend, a year attending church before we really knew anyone.
Fresh pineapple, a pass to Disneyland, and the birth of our little boy! We first put ourselves out there and moved far away from home, and found such an adventurous life on the other side.

Life in California has been VERY different than I would have expected. Which reminds me of one other part of this puzzle, expectations. We cannot put ourselves out there with brave hearts and courageous faces all the while having expectations on the outcome. It simply won't work and really defeats the purpose of making one self available to what is in store for us.

 Our lives are not to be scheduled, planned out by our own design, protecting us from any possible pain or rejection. Instead, our life is designed to bring us surprise, new adventures many moments that bring with them an anticipation for more. Our lives should be filled with many emotions and experiences most of which we may not expect, but all of which will create in us a stronger more confident and faithful person ready to truly live.

So I brace for a new season or new opportunity to put myself out there. I don't what it will look like or when the next opportunity will arise, it may just have to be my own initiation....I might sign up for a cooking class or just maybe ask someone to coffee? I want to experience every ounce of this life, never mind the fear, ignore the doubts, I want to live.