Dipping ones toes in the uncomfortable waters of meeting new people, attending a new class, school, group. Why is it that we have such a reluctant nervous tendency to resist putting ourselves out there?
Moving from Montana to California was a gigantic uprooting! New surroundings, more sunshine, less snow, delicious variety of places to eat, SO many things to do!...Not knowing anyone..... And leaving behind so many close to me, family and friends. I knew that I knew we were supposed to move, it was time to leave, our dream was still to come true! The Brumits had a whole new life waiting in California.
Terrifying, exciting, challenging, sad, and thrilling have all been words I have used to describe the transition. Three years later, the hardest part; putting myself out there! A fearful mindset of disappointing people, and the constant comparison of what I used to know and experience, keeps me trapped in a narrow tunnel of vision, feeling hope slowly deflate. I must hold on .....I must believe in more.....
Signing up to serve, and not getting a call back. Being told that I am not the one for that job, rejection can really put the brakes on a dream. But still, I MUST put myself out there! How else will anyone know I am here, existing in this life, eager to play a role.
I heard once that we should place ourselves around people that did what we wanted to do. Advice that makes perfect sense and yet seems quite awkward when it comes right down to it. But perhaps that is what I am to do, find an author or writer and just ask them to coffee? Thirty minutes to sit face to face and absorb, ask questions see what develops. The thought is so tempting and scary all at once. But the choice, the decision to put myself out there ....is all up to me.
Writing, running, reading, cooking, and most of all being a mom; all passions that are part of who I am. These are things that fill me up, bring me such joy and take great discipline. Lately I am challenged that if these things are truly a part of me, built into my soul by my creator, than why am I so reluctant to nurture them more. Usually I find the answer has something to do with putting myself out there!.....hmmmm interesting correlation to basically everything else in my life!
What I mean is if there was a cooking class that would make me better, why would I not sign up? Or a writing group that would encourage me in the right direction, wouldnt that be a help to me? The answer; fear.
What if I sound silly, or don't know as much as other people there? The excuses and doubts whirl thru our minds like a tornado and leave just as much debris in its path, in the form of low self-esteem and lies about ourselves. If we don't stop this destructive process, all we hope for and desire will be for nothing. An empty life.
Putting ourselves out there is scary and risky we just dont know the outcome. Being transparent and vulnerable demands us push thru and past our fears of the unknown or doubts about our confidence. It is a momentum we must create with right thinking and motivation to truly enjoy this life!
Stay at home mom with three kids in a two bedroom apartment, walking to school along palm tree lined streets. A husband working on films, some long hours, some weeks without work. Late night walks in 77 degree weather. Driving 30 minutes to play in the sand and watch the waves roll in. Months without meeting another friend, a year attending church before we really knew anyone.
Fresh pineapple, a pass to Disneyland, and the birth of our little boy! We first put ourselves out there and moved far away from home, and found such an adventurous life on the other side.
Life in California has been VERY different than I would have expected. Which reminds me of one other part of this puzzle, expectations. We cannot put ourselves out there with brave hearts and courageous faces all the while having expectations on the outcome. It simply won't work and really defeats the purpose of making one self available to what is in store for us.
Our lives are not to be scheduled, planned out by our own design, protecting us from any possible pain or rejection. Instead, our life is designed to bring us surprise, new adventures many moments that bring with them an anticipation for more. Our lives should be filled with many emotions and experiences most of which we may not expect, but all of which will create in us a stronger more confident and faithful person ready to truly live.
So I brace for a new season or new opportunity to put myself out there. I don't what it will look like or when the next opportunity will arise, it may just have to be my own initiation....I might sign up for a cooking class or just maybe ask someone to coffee? I want to experience every ounce of this life, never mind the fear, ignore the doubts, I want to live.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
First Steps
Nothing is cuter than the toddle of a small child holding his arms out shoulders raised in order to help keep balance to his small torso intently lifting each leg in front of the other to step across the room. Watching each one of our girls learn to take their first steps is forever photographed in my mind as one of my favorite milestones.
Our son, recently turned one and began taking his first steps weeks before his first birthday. His face was all smiles. Frequent glances to mom and dad cued us to applaud as he was waiting to be praised for his courageous act. Desperate for our approval. It was obvious he was nervous but also overwhelmed with delight. I savored each step taking in each moment and for the first time realized the most amazing picture of what trusting God with each of my steps really looked like.
Just like our sweet little boy eager to be praised with each unsteady step, I too feel so drawn to move forward taking a step in the right direction and know with certainty that I am really doing it; moving independently on my own but with each step being carefully watched and directed by my Father. Desperately wanting each step to be pleasing to God.
Wondering what job is in store for my husband, hoping for the loneliness to pass and a place to plug into church for our family. Fearfully trying to believe that God is capable of taking care of my dad’s illness.
It takes my son several minutes just to walk to the end of the couch. I share the struggle of this task as it seems simply daunting at times to walk down the road of thoughts in my mind. A road made up of rough terrain and many obstacles.
I believe God! I Believe you will provide the money we need, but I don’t see how it can happen in time?.....I trip with doubt and fall to my face in fear.
Up again with praise for watching God work in my marriage. Weeks later, stumble to the ground with haunting thoughts about our past. We have overcome so much, walked a long journey to heal and get to where we are. Step.... step.... step.... all steps of conviction; God has a plan and a purpose, I can trust Him, I do believe!
Each step brings more strength, a balance to my soul. Each fall a frustrating reminder of my need of a father.
you won’t fall daughter just trust me, I have made you strong and capable to take each step. I will guide you and satisfy your every need. Just keep walking.
God nurtures our every step; taking us by the hand when we reach out in fear. Please God don’t let me fall, I want to trust, I want to choose not to worry.
Gently guiding us with his arms in the direction we should go; it seems crazy to others but being without work will be the best for our family, we must choose our family!
God applauds each step of strength that stands confident of the truth - for this brings Him such delight and glory!
A child’s first steps..... an entertaining process to watch and a teachable lesson in how victorious each step really is.
Monday, September 17, 2012
199 goose bumps
My middle daughter is a beautiful red head with a very fun personality. She lights up our world with funny impressions, quick witted dramatic sayings and a contagious laugh. In addition to all her hilarious fun qualities, she is also a loving and tender hearted little girl.
Walking to school one morning she was talking her usual mile a minute about everything that has been racing through her sweet little head that morning. Her conversation began with a dream she had about dolphins, then moves to what her friend Tia did at school the day before, (a story so funny she can hardly keep herself composed to explain the story in its entirety) and without even taking a breathe ends with "and mom I wish I would have worn pants, because if we go to computer lab today I am going to have 199 goose bumps!" Oh the drama, the cuteness, the descriptive sense of a child.
Tucking in my little princess the next night, she looks up at me with a contemplative face, dimples still making an appearance and asks, "mom I know you love me, but what does love mean?" In my exhausted state with a fussy baby trying to get my attention in the background, and an eight year old trying to talk over her sister about what she should wear tomorrow, I found myself staring deep into my girls blue eyes. I could see her sincerity in the question. I could sense her heart longing to grasp how deep and how wide the meaning of love really was. Moments a mother knows she is in over her head and has to think quick.
"Love is hard to explain or truly understand at times even for a mommy and a daddy, I begin..... But I do know that to feel grateful for all that we have is to feel loved. To feel happy about people who show us love with hugs, gifts, words and nice things is to experience love. And to know with certainty that God is with us ALL the time loving us no matter what we do or how we act brings the comfort of love to my heart." I can tell my long winded explanation is losing its luster, she is beginning to take her eyes off mine and look elsewhere.
"Emma when I held you for the first time I knew how love made my heart feel. I knew you were my beautiful precious gift that made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. Love feels like having a 199 goose bumps" Her smile, now so big, her cheeks are burying her dimples, tells me she understands. She knows what that means, she knows how that feels. For a brief moment my baby knows what it means to "feel" love.
Please God may our love to our children translate to a feeling they can understand, words that they cherish for their lifetime. Experiences that reflect you. You are love.
Walking to school one morning she was talking her usual mile a minute about everything that has been racing through her sweet little head that morning. Her conversation began with a dream she had about dolphins, then moves to what her friend Tia did at school the day before, (a story so funny she can hardly keep herself composed to explain the story in its entirety) and without even taking a breathe ends with "and mom I wish I would have worn pants, because if we go to computer lab today I am going to have 199 goose bumps!" Oh the drama, the cuteness, the descriptive sense of a child.
Tucking in my little princess the next night, she looks up at me with a contemplative face, dimples still making an appearance and asks, "mom I know you love me, but what does love mean?" In my exhausted state with a fussy baby trying to get my attention in the background, and an eight year old trying to talk over her sister about what she should wear tomorrow, I found myself staring deep into my girls blue eyes. I could see her sincerity in the question. I could sense her heart longing to grasp how deep and how wide the meaning of love really was. Moments a mother knows she is in over her head and has to think quick.
"Love is hard to explain or truly understand at times even for a mommy and a daddy, I begin..... But I do know that to feel grateful for all that we have is to feel loved. To feel happy about people who show us love with hugs, gifts, words and nice things is to experience love. And to know with certainty that God is with us ALL the time loving us no matter what we do or how we act brings the comfort of love to my heart." I can tell my long winded explanation is losing its luster, she is beginning to take her eyes off mine and look elsewhere.
"Emma when I held you for the first time I knew how love made my heart feel. I knew you were my beautiful precious gift that made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. Love feels like having a 199 goose bumps" Her smile, now so big, her cheeks are burying her dimples, tells me she understands. She knows what that means, she knows how that feels. For a brief moment my baby knows what it means to "feel" love.
Please God may our love to our children translate to a feeling they can understand, words that they cherish for their lifetime. Experiences that reflect you. You are love.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Insanity
After weeks of watching my husband sweat thru his "insanity" work out, I decided to give it a try this morning. 40 minutes of pushing my body past limits and sweating more than I can remember. Insanity is a work out program designed to push people to their maximum potential. Shawn T, and they are not kidding around. The results, as they appear by looking at the testimonials on his video along with those working out with him, are quite impressive and certainly desirable from this end.
I jumped in, started up the video at 5:30 this morning, sluggish and a little scared, but jumped, lunged, stretched and sprinted when Shawn T told me to, and by the end I was spent!
Fast forward a few hours, two phone calls later, I am driving back from dropping both girls off at school, yawning from either my work out or the fact that my son woke me up at 4:45 and I never went back to sleep. My mind was tired, but also weary of the morning routine of getting the kids ready, planning out my day and meeting the needs of my chubby and oh so cute little 9mo old. My mind was also weighted, by the house we are trying to sell in MT. Its been a long process, and feels like a bleak process at times. We are desperate for it to sell, depending on family to fix it up and get it ready, as we are 1500 miles away! Days go by and I wait for that phone call of the family who wants to buy it! I hold out hope for this last tie to our past to be cut. Stomach starts to tighten, anxiety slowly creeping in.
Standing in my bathroom thinking thru the list of to do's for the day; emails to write, groceries to buy, shopping to be done ( that one is my own scheduled pleasure time:) Then the air slowly starts to deflate from my inflated thought/idea balloon. I'm too tired.
Laying on the couch now, anxiety has taken over more of my stomach. My thoughts are spending time creating the needed excuses to convince myself that today is better spent just being down, feeling a little sad and telling myself that it is okay to postpone my to do list until tomorrow. As I cross my legs, a small sore muscle pain shoots up my leg. Oh yes the rembering pain of insanity.
No coincidences here, God takes me back from that soreness in my leg to remembering Shawn T pushing me thru with his words and demanding instruction. I am reminded that I didn't quite........I wanted to and it was seriously SO hard, but I pushed and I kept going and now I am sore:) (For those of you who work out you know the joy the comes from feeling sore later in the day, it means you legitimately worked out! and it feels great!)
Then he whispers "with perseverence we must finish this race I have marked out for you." Today is a day planned for me, and not one to waste, regardless of the circumstances. I have responsiblities and following thru on those is a step and act of faith. Pushing thru the doubt and discouragment to remember what God has laid on my heart, I know things He has instructed me to do and cannot be okay with sitting by and allowing the lies of our enemy to steal the hope and trust I have in God.
Our house may not sell today, and I might have to handle a few more calls about the house, but I am a mom and a wife TODAY and must remember what matters her and now. Circumstances around me will constantly change but I must keep going and not be defeated by those circumstances I cannot control. I must push myself thru to not just my own limits, but to the limitless power that comes from God's strength inside me. So I will blog now:) and then get up, clean, do dishes, run errands, play with my son, pick up my girls, make dinner, go to soccer practice and go forth in this day with hope, confidence and gratitude for This is the Day the Lord has made.
I jumped in, started up the video at 5:30 this morning, sluggish and a little scared, but jumped, lunged, stretched and sprinted when Shawn T told me to, and by the end I was spent!
Fast forward a few hours, two phone calls later, I am driving back from dropping both girls off at school, yawning from either my work out or the fact that my son woke me up at 4:45 and I never went back to sleep. My mind was tired, but also weary of the morning routine of getting the kids ready, planning out my day and meeting the needs of my chubby and oh so cute little 9mo old. My mind was also weighted, by the house we are trying to sell in MT. Its been a long process, and feels like a bleak process at times. We are desperate for it to sell, depending on family to fix it up and get it ready, as we are 1500 miles away! Days go by and I wait for that phone call of the family who wants to buy it! I hold out hope for this last tie to our past to be cut. Stomach starts to tighten, anxiety slowly creeping in.
Standing in my bathroom thinking thru the list of to do's for the day; emails to write, groceries to buy, shopping to be done ( that one is my own scheduled pleasure time:) Then the air slowly starts to deflate from my inflated thought/idea balloon. I'm too tired.
Laying on the couch now, anxiety has taken over more of my stomach. My thoughts are spending time creating the needed excuses to convince myself that today is better spent just being down, feeling a little sad and telling myself that it is okay to postpone my to do list until tomorrow. As I cross my legs, a small sore muscle pain shoots up my leg. Oh yes the rembering pain of insanity.
No coincidences here, God takes me back from that soreness in my leg to remembering Shawn T pushing me thru with his words and demanding instruction. I am reminded that I didn't quite........I wanted to and it was seriously SO hard, but I pushed and I kept going and now I am sore:) (For those of you who work out you know the joy the comes from feeling sore later in the day, it means you legitimately worked out! and it feels great!)
Then he whispers "with perseverence we must finish this race I have marked out for you." Today is a day planned for me, and not one to waste, regardless of the circumstances. I have responsiblities and following thru on those is a step and act of faith. Pushing thru the doubt and discouragment to remember what God has laid on my heart, I know things He has instructed me to do and cannot be okay with sitting by and allowing the lies of our enemy to steal the hope and trust I have in God.
Our house may not sell today, and I might have to handle a few more calls about the house, but I am a mom and a wife TODAY and must remember what matters her and now. Circumstances around me will constantly change but I must keep going and not be defeated by those circumstances I cannot control. I must push myself thru to not just my own limits, but to the limitless power that comes from God's strength inside me. So I will blog now:) and then get up, clean, do dishes, run errands, play with my son, pick up my girls, make dinner, go to soccer practice and go forth in this day with hope, confidence and gratitude for This is the Day the Lord has made.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
"It takes 20 minutes after we eat for our bodies to feel satieated. I wonder how long it takes our souls to realize our life is full?" Ann Voskamp
How true, how moving, a powerful quote and conviction of my thoughts, wants and desires. I am reading this book, One Thousand Gifts. It really poses some wonderful thoughts and drives my curiosity about the abundant life even deeper.
What a full life most of us have and take for granted if we are not careful, watchful, intent on actually living and not allowing life to pass us by. The morning alarm, the walk to school, the morning rush. Chaos can be a theme for our home getting two girls ready for school, while tending to an aggressive crawling 9mo. old. The afternoon revisits the chaos theme again with school pick up, soccer practice, hip hop dance class and hopefully a meal that I don't feel guilty about, in between. The agenda, the commitments, the list of to do's makes life a temptation to get lost and not take moments of still to sit, be grateful, hold a little one's hand to remember a purpose beyond car pooling.
I am challenged and encouraged that there is more to life than just the agenda and I desire the "more" for myself and for my kids. I want to choose adventure, I want to look back, reflect and believe in the story that has been written just for me. A gripping story with climactic points, lessons learned, dramatic beginnings and sad endings......A story, as I am learning, that is still very much in the midst of being written. Only one knows how the story ends, and He is a God of adventure who LOVES it when we surrender to the adventure, when we take a moment to sit still, breathe and and realize how full our lives truly are.........
..........my story, God's story, our adventure with Him
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)