Putting myself out there

Dipping ones toes in the uncomfortable waters of meeting new people, attending a new class, school, group. Why is it that we have such a reluctant nervous tendency to resist putting ourselves out there?

Moving from Montana to California was a gigantic uprooting! New surroundings, more sunshine, less snow, delicious variety of places to eat, SO many things to do!...Not knowing anyone..... And leaving behind so many close to me, family and friends. I knew that I knew we were supposed to move, it was time to leave, our dream was still to come true! The Brumits had a whole new life waiting in California.

Terrifying, exciting, challenging, sad, and thrilling have all been words I have used to describe the transition. Three years later, the hardest part; putting myself out there! A fearful mindset of disappointing people, and the constant comparison of what I used to know and experience, keeps me trapped in a narrow tunnel of vision, feeling hope slowly deflate. I must hold on .....I must believe in more.....

Signing up to serve, and not getting a call back. Being told that I am not the one for that job, rejection can really put the brakes on a dream. But still, I MUST put myself out there! How else will anyone know I am here, existing in this life, eager to play a role.

I heard once that we should place ourselves around people that did what we wanted to do. Advice that makes perfect sense and yet seems quite awkward when it comes right down to it. But perhaps that is what I am to do, find an author or writer and just ask them to coffee? Thirty minutes to sit face to face and absorb, ask questions see what develops. The thought is so tempting and scary all at once. But the choice, the decision to put myself out there ....is all up to me. 

Writing, running, reading, cooking, and most of all being a mom; all passions that are part of who I am. These are things that fill me up, bring me such joy and take great discipline. Lately I am challenged that if these things are truly a part of me, built into my soul by my creator, than why am I so reluctant to nurture them more. Usually I find the answer has something to do with putting myself out there!.....hmmmm interesting correlation to basically everything else in my life!

What I mean is if there was a cooking class that would make me better, why would I not sign up? Or a writing group that would encourage me in the right direction, wouldnt that be a help to me? The answer; fear.

What if I sound silly, or don't know as much as other people there? The excuses and doubts whirl thru our minds like a tornado and leave just as much debris in its path, in the form of low self-esteem and lies about ourselves. If we don't stop this destructive process, all we hope for and desire will be for nothing. An empty life.

Putting ourselves out there is scary and risky we just dont know the outcome. Being transparent and vulnerable demands us push thru and past our fears of the unknown or doubts about our confidence. It is a momentum we must create with right thinking and motivation to truly enjoy this life!

Stay at home mom with three kids in a two bedroom apartment, walking to school along palm tree lined streets. A husband working on films, some long hours, some weeks without work. Late night walks in 77 degree weather. Driving 30 minutes to play in the sand and watch the waves roll in. Months without meeting another friend, a year attending church before we really knew anyone.
Fresh pineapple, a pass to Disneyland, and the birth of our little boy! We first put ourselves out there and moved far away from home, and found such an adventurous life on the other side.

Life in California has been VERY different than I would have expected. Which reminds me of one other part of this puzzle, expectations. We cannot put ourselves out there with brave hearts and courageous faces all the while having expectations on the outcome. It simply won't work and really defeats the purpose of making one self available to what is in store for us.

 Our lives are not to be scheduled, planned out by our own design, protecting us from any possible pain or rejection. Instead, our life is designed to bring us surprise, new adventures many moments that bring with them an anticipation for more. Our lives should be filled with many emotions and experiences most of which we may not expect, but all of which will create in us a stronger more confident and faithful person ready to truly live.

So I brace for a new season or new opportunity to put myself out there. I don't what it will look like or when the next opportunity will arise, it may just have to be my own initiation....I might sign up for a cooking class or just maybe ask someone to coffee? I want to experience every ounce of this life, never mind the fear, ignore the doubts, I want to live.

First Steps

Nothing is cuter than the toddle of a small child holding his arms out shoulders raised in order to help keep balance to his small torso intently lifting each leg in front of the other to step across the room. Watching each one of our girls learn to take their first steps is forever photographed in my mind as one of my favorite milestones.

Our son, recently turned one and began taking his first steps weeks before his first birthday. His face was all smiles. Frequent glances to mom and dad cued us to applaud as he was waiting to be praised for his courageous act. Desperate for our approval. It was obvious he was nervous but also overwhelmed with delight. I savored each step taking in each moment and for the first time realized the most amazing picture of what trusting God with each of my steps really looked like.

Just like our sweet little boy eager to be praised with each unsteady step, I too feel so drawn to move forward taking a step in the right direction and know with certainty that I am really doing it; moving independently on my own but with each step being carefully watched and directed by my Father. Desperately wanting each step to be pleasing to God.

Wondering what job is in store for my husband, hoping for the loneliness to pass and a place to plug into church for our family. Fearfully trying to believe that God is capable of taking care of my dad’s illness.

It takes my son several minutes just to walk to the end of the couch. I share the struggle of this task as it seems simply daunting  at times to walk down the road of thoughts in my mind. A road made up of rough terrain and many obstacles.

I believe God! I Believe you will provide the money we need, but I don’t see how it can happen in time?.....I trip with doubt and fall to my face in fear.

Up again with praise for watching God work in my marriage. Weeks later, stumble to the ground with haunting thoughts about our past. We have overcome so much, walked a long journey to heal and get to where we are. Step.... step.... step.... all steps of conviction; God has a plan and a purpose, I can trust Him, I do believe!

Each step brings more strength, a balance to my soul. Each fall a frustrating reminder of my need of a father.

you won’t fall daughter just trust me, I have made you strong and capable to take each step. I will guide you and satisfy your every need. Just keep walking.

God nurtures our every step; taking us by the hand when we reach out in fear. Please God don’t let me fall, I want to trust, I want to choose not to worry.

Gently guiding us with his arms in the direction we should go; it seems crazy to others but being without work will be the best for our family, we must choose our family!
God applauds each step of strength that stands confident of the truth - for this brings Him such delight and glory!

A child’s first steps..... an entertaining process to watch and a teachable lesson in how victorious each step really is.